The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola

Author:Kathy Labriola
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-93760-964-4
Publisher: SCB Distributors

Compartmentalization as a survival strategy in open relationships

Some people find that any reminder of their partner’s other relationship is excruciatingly painful, and that any intrusion ruins the entire date or even creates distress for the rest of the week. Being exposed to the other relationship in any way makes them feel unloved and disrespected, as if their partner is rejecting them and demonstrating that the other partner is more important or desirable.

Does this sound familiar? This usually means that you have compartmentalized your partner’s other relationship as a survival strategy to manage your jealousy. In other words, an open relationship is much more comfortable for some people if they can just focus on being with their partner and to some extent pretend that there is no other partner in the picture. You mentally place your partner’s other relationship in a “compartment,” as if putting it on a shelf and closing the door. This is not the same as denial, as you know full well that your partner has another partner. It’s just easier for you to fully open yourself to being present with your partner if you are able to temporarily forget about that other relationship. This is a very successful strategy for many people to become more comfortable in an open relationship, as they risk shutting down emotionally if they have to have their partner’s other relationship “in their face” when they are trying to stay connected.

People who compartmentalize prefer to have very little information about their partners’ other relationships. This coping strategy works because the less they think about it, the safer they feel, and life goes on more smoothly and comfortably. It appears to be based on personality and temperament and how people process information. The more they know about a partner’s outside relationships, the more anxious they become. Having more information only gives them more distressing facts to focus on, and encourages them to obsess about uncomfortable images of their partner with another lover. When it comes to disclosure, more is not always better, as any information can be an intrusion. Appropriate levels of disclosure will be discussed further in Exercise Thirty on p. 120.

Exercise Twenty-three: Educating your partner about compartmentalization

Step One: Communicate clearly with your partner about your need to compartmentalize

If you need this level of compartmentalization to feel secure and loved, help your partner understand your needs. Explain to your partner that you want them to have as little contact with their other partners as possible while in your company, and that any contact with their other partner should be out of your sight (and hearing) so that you are not aware of it.

Step Two: Privacy is not the same as secrecy

Your partner may be trying to be transparent by contacting their other partners openly, rather than being secretive. It is also possible they are just not aware of the pain they are inadvertently causing. Remind your partner that you need privacy from their other relationship, and that privacy and secrecy are two different things.

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